I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
