My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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