i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
