For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
