i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
