I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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