I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
high people should be assigned attendants
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
