She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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