I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
