why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
