if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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