Me too!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize