Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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