No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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