dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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