Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
