I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
