I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
