When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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