Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
