Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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