clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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