I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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