I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
