put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
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