Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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