Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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