And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
