how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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