In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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