I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
