I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
