Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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