I need to stop coming to work sober
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
