I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
