dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
