Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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