she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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