oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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