i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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