I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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