wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
