I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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