I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
