ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
