allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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