I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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