The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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