I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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