You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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