ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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