remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
