I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
