I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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