seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
